Category Archives: Couples

The things that put asunder.

Of all the culprits that engage to disengaged couples and cause problems in relationships amongst other things, I’m beginning to believe the phone takes the lead. It’s completely in a class of its own!

This little “technology monster” has trumped all else in the fine act of control.

Imagine the way we quickly respond to its every beep and buzz. Like it owns us, but doesn’t it?

Despite this unbearable truth, I still think it is not enough reason for couples wherever, whenever to allow themselves be distracted -by whatever reasons tendered- from one another long enough to begin to believe: “I might just be able to do without him/her”.

Imagine this scenario where a husband or wife is so engulfed in his or her activity on the phone,  that they are not able to concentrate on what the other is saying. Finding it rather difficult to make meaningful contribution other than the occasional “hmm” and “oh” to show they are still in the room and not just a lump on a log.wpid-images.jpeg

This “hmm and oh” situation has since become the source of worry and discomfort in many homes today!

Why we actually prefer the “technology intruder” over and above our spouses and family could sometimes be determined.
Ranging from: “it doesn’t talk back” and “l don’t have to keep repeating myself” to- “it does exactly what I tell it” and “it understands how I feel”.

Doesn’t that sound like another…

But are these reasons enough to “stay strange” to someone we once professed “undieing” and unending love for?.

To think that we don’t quickly notice the “pull apart” we start experiencing as a result is even more disheartening.

I hear you say “it’s becoming too much” or “it’s already too late” but where were you when it started and what did you do to stem the ugly situation rearing its ugly head.

There are always telltale signs for these kinds of awkward situations and if we could just identify them and nip these situations in the bud, we would save ourselves and our loved ones a lot of stress and distress.

When you start staying up late for needless chats with friends-that’s a sign.

When you rather talk to your phone than your spouse-that’s a sign.

When you feel the urgent need to be left alone, with your phone, so you can take care of business-that’s a sign.

When you leave the food to get burnt because you are on the phone-that’s a sign!

What if the children get sidestepped because of that contraption of yours, no, no. Not good at all!

One of the reasons we may be unable to approach this issue of neglect we feel when our spouses abandon us for their phones is probably because we had at some point or another put ourselves in the same strange circumstances.

Should we then let sleeping dogs be and worsen an already complicated situation?

Another could be that at one point or another we “relished” the “me time” we taught we were having and consequently decided to do nothing about it until it became a cause for concern and haunted us.

So next time you are having a “me time” and your heartbeat does a triple on you, please take a cue from your thundering heart and quit?

Then you won’t have to give those silly excuses when your spouse is approaching.

Then again, I think that one of the major culprits to our not wanting to accept that things are getting out of hand in our relationship and then do almost nothing about it is either self pity or downright laziness.

Can we at least have a heart to heart discussion with our spouses?

We notice the signs but dismiss them even before analyzing them, we get pricked but call it a phase.

Until it grows into an ugly monster that would only take the grace of God to tackle, we do almost nothing and then run from pillar to post most times to those who may not be of help instead of going to God for ultimate counsel and wisdom.

May we not have cause to regret our inactions and actions but be courageous enough to at least be willing to do what is needed even asking ourselves some of these questions:

I’m I the originator of this problem? Have I done enough on my part to curb it? What is the best way to handle this situation?.

We all need to be watchful and prayerful for our adversary the devil goes about seeking who he may devour.

I’m not saying we should assume the role of detective or nag our spouses to death.

I’m just saying we should be more circumspect, observant, proactive rather than reactive in all our dealings.

Let’s not allow little things that we can easily detect and regulate cause us greatly.

We can start with ourselves and not become slaves to our little technology monsters.

Take that step today.

🙂 🙂 🙂

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Turf Trouble.

It becomes imperative at times to draw lines especially for our own sanity, and no matter how we look at it, levels exist and they exist for our own good.

Well, most times.

Imagine a headless chicken, all it does is run around in frantic circles or in no particular direction at all until it finally gives up and kaputs.

Divisions, strata, levels and what have you will always exist for easy coordination and division of labour among other reasons,  but how we handle, approach and manage them in our everyday relationship is what really matters.

Take the relationship between a boss and his subordinate. No matter how jovial or not the boss is or vice versa, at the end of the day both party involved know who calls the shots! Even if the latter tries to undermine the other, the best the boss would do if he gets tired is hey; “hasta la vista baby!” And that is it!

Of all the unions and relationship that exist, I think the one mostly questioned or overlooked in terms of who is boss and who is not is the marriage relationship!

It has been branded so many names; an institution, contractual relationship, bond, shackle, agreement you name it and over the years people have come up with names to best suit and describe their sentiments, experiences and beliefs about what they think marriage is or should be and each of these headings and the people that fall into or under them have tried to come up with how they think things are to carry on in the marriage relationship.

Hmmm…

Can I submit here and now that as Christians, we are not to go by beliefs, teachings, laws or anything else other than that established by or on the word of God?

No matter how “contemporary” or “in vogue” it might seem, we should not allow ourselves be swept away by the tide of the world in the name of wanting to “belong” and be “hip”.

The Bible has clearly stated how this union is supposed to be (amongst other passages):

1.  Ephesians  5:22: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord:

After Paul generally asks Christians in the preceeding verse to submit to one another why does he go ahead to specifically ask wives to submit to their own husbands I ask? This should get us seated in our thinking corners….wondering, and probably worrying why the man would still want to point a finger at the women folk and go “you had better be submitting to your husbands, you hear” . This is not because between us gals and the men folk, we are the ones more susceptible to submission issues noooo, (especially since we get a lot of help from our sometimes “too busy to notice, ego inflated husbands of ours!” :p ) but rather, we are the ones that can handle their egos in the first place! Imagine a headless chicken, yeah?. Now imagine it with two heads. What would you call it, a freak of nature? odd? weird,…. No one would want anything to do with it, (except maybe of course analyse it or make it a press issue) let alone have it for dinner!

If God has allowed the man the title “head” of the body-wife, who are we to question or quarrel with it? Except we no longer belong to the fold, we have no business fretting about it. Especially since we have been assigned other pressing matters!

Has it occurred to you that the head is only a small part of the body even though it contains the brain? And that by virtue of placement or occupation we have responsibility of every other part of the entire body? If we have at one time or another contemplated this truth and have come to accept it, then why, for goodness sake do go about worrying and fussing about who plays lead role?

I don’t get it!!!

Except the human anatomy has changed or evolved from the last time I  checked, the head still only contains the brain, ears, eyes, nose, mouth/tongue, and a minute spread of the skin (in comparison) as the only organs of the body. (Someone please correct me if I am wrong!) As opposed to the entire remaining spread of the skin, the limbs, the liver, kidneys, the heart, THE HEART, and so on and so forth?

In fact, I believe we still own the neck, after all the Bible says head doesn’t it? It only leaves to be imagined what women can achieve when they decide to employ the “neck” arsenal!

Forget background and the foundation on which the marriage was/is built on (that itself is a frightening topic on its own and beyond the scope of discuss right now), isn’t this enough responsibility?….

I agree that this may not hold sway for the work place and the like, but remember we are talking about husband and wife here so let’s be careful not to allow work related principles get in the way of God instituted truths!

Submission is not and will never mean “mumu” (dummy) but instead signifies strength! And for those that know how to go about it, absolute control-but deciding to allow! Sorry, but that more often than not is the case!

And let’s not forget that the reverence is to our own husbands. So whoever you revere over and above your husband should be brought down immediately from that pedestal or be ready to carry the trouble if and when it starts. Clergy or not!

2. Ephesians  5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

3. Ephesians  5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

4. Ephesians  5:28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

5. Ephesians  5:29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

As for our men folk, the above verses I have graciously brought out for your urgent attention! (Yeah, yeah, yeah, call me feminist, call me whatever because of more verses), but that there are certain words that have probably been deleted from your dictionary (with or without your knowledge) while you guys were going around chanting the “thou shalt submit”! song and this has become frightfully obvious.

Take for instance in verse 25 for some of the words our men would do us a favor to include in their dictionary is the word LOVE (and for the definition of the word please refer to 1 Corinthians 13. Thank you.)

Need I say that someone who feels loved will not go about feeling cheated, insecure, downcast, downtrodden etcetera etcetera. Unless the woman in question has issues that need both spiritual and psychiatric resolve and yes!, we are that easy to please, sway. Just apply the right dose of T.L.C. and voilĂ !, you have us eating out of your hands.

But remember, *whispering* right treatment before the eating out of your hands part. Not the other way around. Please!

I am not even going to mention the giving up yourself part. For some men, that may be like asking for a Tsunami in Sudan!

Let’s just stick to the loving your wife part, hopefully that should do it… or should I add the “like your own selves, or would that be too much as well? ;).

Anyway, the next words would be “nourishing and cherishing” at this point I decided to do a quick confirmation on what those two words mean so I don’t blab away missing the mark.

Nourishing: providing the things that are needed for health, growth etc
: giving nourishment

This includes spiritually too.

For the women, the men folk can not love you more than themselves so enough with the “daydreams” and comparison with “others” that could easily put asunder. Plant thy feet on solid ground, please!

Cherishing: to feel or show great love for someone or something.
: to remember or hold (an idea, belief etc) in a deeply felt way.

I shall not say more other than, the word is actually a verb.

But seriously, if we could just play our parts faithfully with the aid of the Holy Spirit, there would be no need for phrases like:
“when I married you, did you bring anything into this house”
“Do you know who I am”
“It is my money/car”
….and all the heart wrenching “others” that we allow to infiltrate.

May God keep us all safe in Him. Even as we decide to be circumspect in all we do.

Maranatha!

“Not” To-Do List

tmp_busy-person1-473143259Have you ever set out to achieving a task or two only to find out at the end of the day you never really accomplished much?

Focus! Focus!! Queeneth, I would sometimes say to myself many times before the end of each day and I eventually heave a sigh of relief and ask “wow! so I’m done”?

it’s not so much as the magnitude or difficulty of the work involved but our inability to pay attention to what we have set out to do and mind it until we see it through to the end.

We are wired to pick up things from our environment and go ahead to contribute sometimes to each and every issue unsolicited or otherwise that we often forget what we initially set out to do and get carried away by each moment that at the end of the day we have little or nothing to show for the twenty four hours God has  graciously allowed us to be a part of on this side of the planet He allocated to us.

Some of us go ahead to be “the issue” or the centre of “distraction” for everyone else! Must we always have something to say to one and every topic that filters through or to us? Must we always contribute to, assist with or have an opinion?

I’m not saying we become unfriendly or distant and treat people and their issues and discussions with contempt, but neither should we be the kind of the persons that topics get “changed” because of us or  an uncomfortable “hush” greets us whenever we walk into a place or discuss!

When our to-do lists keep saying something else and we persistently ramble on in another direction it’s probably an indicator or indication that we right ourselves or have a prompt, sincere look at that list! Even if it means running it by reliable people who are not afraid to look us in the eye and go “you’re crazy” when necessary and reality find it impossible to see eye to eye with our precious “lists”!

A particular assignment is staring you in the face but it’s the weekend, you want to make up for the ” movie deprivation” you have suffered all week at the risk of incurring the wrath of your boss who has already threatened  to query you for your lack of delivery on previous deadlines? Really?!!!

Well each time you want to get into a free for all “remote control ownership” deul or argument with your children,  remember that mummy is not always right (or daddy in any case) and quickly remind yourself of the consequences of too much lounging or truancy and the effects of bad example on the children and surrender yourself to duty calls.

Whatever happened to-daddy buys the television and hands the remote control to mummy?

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good movie anytime,any day and anywhere. But must it be at expense of dinner? Your child’s moral setting? Or work? Need I  continue? Except we have sold our souls to the entertainment providers in exchange for the remote control, then by all means,live the life!

We go as far as using the television as occupiers of our children’s attention while we busy ourselves otherwise. (Yep! Been there, done that, moved on). Why not try giving the child a book to read and help ensure that the saying(or is it a joke now), “if you want to keep something from a Nigerian put it in a book” doesn’t ring true for your family!

As for some of us adults that still can’t pick up a book to read let alone finish but prefer watching television, try reading “Winnie the Poo” in print, it can help you get started :-).

I will not quickly forget a conversation between parent and teacher over the child’s seriousness with homework:

Mother: “don’t mind him oh, he would rather watch television all weekend instead of doing his homework! ” ask him for the names of the cartoons and he will give you details even to very names of their toys”.

Teacher: “is that so? Why don’t you do your homework first before watching tv?”

Yours truly: “hello! Isn’t this a swop of roles? Who is to make sure junior here does his Home. Work?”

Of course those were my thoughts, I didn’t actually say them out loud.

This issue affects all of us so we should do well to heed the call to repentance.

We must make effort to identify distractions and detractors in our lives and take decisive efforts to deal with and eliminate them.

Take responsibility for our actions and stop blaming Ngozi the help, the weather or those poor witches in the village for our every failure that we otherwise could have dealt with ourselves by being firm and responsible.

We could try keeping “NOT” to-do lists and see how that works for us instead.

You know;

1. I will not watch tv beyond 12 midnight!

:). ;). :o.

Midlife crisis and Perimenopause; didn’t know there was a”Peri” involved.

Isn’t it enough that women have menopause? What is this “Peri” stage involved? These and more were the questions reeling past my mind as I glared at the article I was reading.

And what is she on about? You maybe asking. This all started when I came across a newspaper publication where participants in a question and answer session with the writer of the article asked several questions and I realized that most of their questions sounded familiar!

I decided to look up some of the issues discussed and that’s when it hit me: I could be having a midlife crisis!

Midlife is usually from the age of forty give or take plus twenty years and is usually characterized by some interesting issues:

1. Wanting a simpler life.

2. Suddenly wanting to learn a musical instrument

3. Worrying over your thinning hair

4. Taking up a new hobby

5. Wanting to make the world a better place

6. Fearing the worst if a parent calls at an unexpected time

7. Obsessively comparing your looks with others of same age

8. Dyeing your hair when it’s grey

9. Stopping telling people your age

10.Worrying about being worse off at retirement than your parents.

11. Looking up your medical symptoms on the Internet!

Anyone of the above describe you? (You could look up http://www.mirror.co.uk/midlife-crisis by Amanda Killelea, where I got these symptoms from and fill yourself with the rest of the 40 symptoms of midlife crisis)

It’s not like I don’t know about menopause and issues arising before and during this”not so looked forward to” period, I just didn’t know there was a”physical condition” known as Perimenopause. An actual physical condition!

And for those of you (like me) who are new to this condition-“Peri”means around or about. So technically Perimenopause means about or around menopause. I even discovered a blog dedicated to this; http://www.theperimenopauseblog.com.

This brings me to a day I displayed one of my “perimenopausal symptoms”;

I had finished preparing dinner and we all sat down to the meal when one of my son’s asks, (after a couple of Spoonfuls)-: isn’t there an ingredient missing in this?(brief explanation: since I live in an all “boys hostel” where everyone’s taste bud is sharp and sensitive(thanks to my dear husband) and we practice and encourage freedom of speech, you would think I’d be used to comments such as these especially after thirteen years!?

Nooo! And what do I do? I flip and flop around like a dart with repeated comments on “how I wasn’t appreciated”and so many other things I would rather want to spare you at this time.

You should have seen the look on my family’s face! Classic! Do you remember the”who are you and what did you do with my mother/wife look? Yep, that’s the one.

I usually go about these days with a lot of “very or over”attached to my already sensitive emotions; very quiet, overreacting, very this, very that. I sometimes feel so sorry for my husband who sometimes finds it difficult to keep up!

Why is it that the men don’t have a “pre”or “peri”something to deal with?  (just thinking aloud. )

Looking back now,I wonder what got to me if not “Mr. Peri”. So, when you go ” flip-flop” like me, please feel free to blame it on the peri. Something or someone has to be blamed anyway. Typical right?

Dear husbands of ours,now that you know that there’s this”Peri” involved ,what sort of men are you supposed to be…

“Peri”understanding ones!!!

:):):)

The very best.

The things I had to compete with!

 

Happy wedding anniversary!!!
My husband and his six string guitar.

Today is my wedding anniversary and I am in a reflective mood. One of the things I am thinking about right now is” how many things did I have to compete with for my husband’s attention?”

In general, couples have a lot to fight with to gain their spouse’s attention and the list continues to grow madly.

On the man’s part he might have to compete with the children for the wife’s attention, the boss in the office, house chores, soap’s (tv programmes in general) and don’t forget the parent in-law’s.

For the wife, she might have to deal with; husband’s job, secretary, personal assistant, mother in-law(in-laws in general), sports, and oh the other woman. (The children usually have a way of making sure mum always have their attention, no matter their sex)

Right at the top of that list as for me, please feel free to put as number one -my husband’s bass guitar. Don’t get me wrong, I had my fair (unfair share I should say. Because there some things that move some men that mine wouldn’t be bothered about) share of other things on the list and more. But nothing more compelling and competitive as the bass guitar!

My husband likes to pray, praise and practice late into the night and when he’s done he brings the blasted thing to bed.I would sometimes in reaching out to touch my husband at night be confronted with the “cold woodeness” of it’s royal highness. At the early stage of our marriage, my guy used to refer to the blasted thing as his second wife!!. Until of course I made him realise that he was doing so to his peril and there were certain things his stringy companion wouldn’t do or give to him!

Common sense prevailed eventually and stringy stopped coming to bed with us. Though I saw it this morning on bed, but not in between us as before,  but far away from my wifely attack.

It’s been a wonderful journey these thirteen years. That’s not to say that there were no times when I felt like this;

These are some of the things I’ve learned:

1. Mom is a supper woman! and so can’t be tired, sleepy or ill-until I go on strike and everyone knows I am not joking.

2. Mom knows it all!-until the child gets to understand the cartoon he/she watches and believes every word that “auntie and uncle”says.

3. You don’t always get a”good job” for work done but rather; you missed a spot! Believe me it’s all done in complete innocence and true love.:);)

4. You have to do dinner, even if you come home after your husband. Your touch they say makes the difference.

5. Give an honest answer to every question asked by your children. You might not be the only one they have or will ask.

6. When in doubt of the answer to their assignments please say so and humbly ask for Google’s assistance.

7. God is the best friend you have and He alone should you tell about the marital issues if any. No third party allowed!

8. When in doubt of a situation or not sure of happenings, please ask. Your mind could do wonderful things to otherwise clear issues especially when you are upset, suspicious or have some other emotion that would not support organized thinking.

9. Everyone’s opinion counts take note of them but move on. They don’t have to form the foundation of the family principles and guide lines.

10. No one is a mind reader! Keep a healthy conversational lifestyle.

l look forward to the next thirteen years and much more with you my love.

HAPPY WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What! Our daughter’s name is your ex-girlfriend’s! ?

 

tmp_stock-photo-enraged-young-woman-with-hands-up-yelling-110078174733117394

I remember an elderly woman once told me that she prevented her husband from naming their daughter after a woman he would have married and considering that back then marriage was done with the most noble of intention,I wondered what his reasons were for wanting to do such.

It got me thinking… Imagine this scenari in our time;

Once upon a time there lived a guy who was attracted to a girl. He loved her so much he wanted to marry her but didn’t know how to make his feelings known because he felt she was way out of his league. They eventually become good friends and still he couldn’t tell her how he felt.

Anyway,after sleepless nights and several rehearsals on what to say and how he should say them, he eventually opens up only to be told she recently got engaged and would soon be married.

Broken hearted and  chiding himself for being such a fool he decides to move on. He later finds,falls in love and marries another girl.

When they have their daughter he decides to give her the “old flames” name unknowing to the wife .

Then she finds out…

 

1. How should wifey here deal with this?

2. Is hubby still “flaming” for old flame?

3. Should there be a name change?

Or

4. Should this even be an issue?

I look forward to your comments.

The very best.